The Worst Homestuck Fanfiction Ever
by The Dream Goddess
Summary: A story of Mary Sues, canon breaking, and complete silliness.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This fanfic is a satire and is done entirely for the lulz. If such a story really existed and was done completely seriously, I'm sure every Homestuck fan would die a little inside. I'm not really trying too hard at all. Expect characters to be very out of character! Anyways, enjoy!

**Prologue**

Once upon a time, on Alternia, a little wiggler was born. But this little wiggler was a little more special than the thousands of others laid by the Mother Grub. The empress somehow gave birth to this little wiggler! Because fuck canon! Hahahahahaha!

"OMGWTFBBQ!" The empress shouted. Because the little wiggler was A MAGIC SPARKLY RAINBOW WIGGLER WITH BIG FANCY HORNS IN THE SHAPES OF HEARTS AND STARS AND SUNS AND MOONS! AND THE HORNS WERE BLUE COLORED! AND HER EYES WERE BLUE TOO! AND HER HAIR WAS ALL PRETTY AND WHITE! BECAUSE FUCK CANON ONCE AGAIN! WHY AM I TYPING IN CAPS? OH WELL!

"Magic sparkly rainbow blood is, like, the highest blood ever in paradox space! And she has white hair and blue eyes and horns! She is so speshul!" The empress was shouting.

"I'm gonna name her Rainbowlina Sparkle Jewel Pearl Emerald Gem Glitter Gleam Luna Flower Marrie Suusee! She is the best ever!"

BUT THEN JACK NOIR POOFED IN AND KILLED THE EMPRESS AND KIDNAPPED RAINBOWLINA! OH NO!

**Little Thingy That Happened In Between Prologue and Chapter 1**

Jack put this spell thingy on Rainbowlina that made her look like a regular troll with purple blood and short pointy horns. He also raised her to be eviiiiiiil, but she is the nicest troll ever and didn't want to be. So he abused her it was so sad!

**Chapter 1**

Hi, my name is Rainbowlina Marrie Suusee! Yeah, not many trolls have middle names, but I do, because the dude who raised me, Jack Noir, said I was special. But I'm just an ordinary sea dweller with small sharp horns and purple blood. Nothing special. Except there are a lot of things that are different about me. I'm psionic, I can commune with animals, I can withstand the sunlight, I can manipulate other trolls, and I have Vision Pi-fold! My manipulation powers work on all trolls instead of just a few! My lusus is a unicorn-mother grub-sparkledog hybrid!

Okay, so, today I was walking on the beach and I saw another troll somewhere down the beach and I started running toward it. And then when I got there I tackled them! It was so much fun!

"wOaH, yOu MoThErFuCkInG sCaReD mE bRo,"

"Oh! Sorry!" I got up and brushed myself off, blushing. "I'm Rainbowlina Marrie Suusee!"

"WoAh, ThAt NaMe Is MaDe Of FuCkInG mIrAcLeS." He said. "i'M gAmZeE mAkArA."

I giggled. He was so funny! I was beginning to feel flushed for him, even though I had only known him for about 3 minutes.

"HeY, yOu WaNnA hEaD iNtO mY hIvE aNd ShArE a MoThErFuCkInG sLiMe PiE?"

"Um... No thanks. But I'd love to come into your hive!" I said, grinning.

For the next few hours, he showed me around his hive, while we just talked about things. He was constantly offering me slime pies, which I always politely declined. And when I had to go back to my own hive, we traded trolltags and parted ways.

When I got back to my hive, my lusus was sleeping peacefully. When I went up to my respiteblock, I opened the door and saw... Jack Noir!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the reviews on the last chapter! Yeah, I know, it wasn't that funny, but it's going to get funnier, just wait!

**Chapter 2**

"OMGWTFGRILLEDCHICKENSANDWICH, what are you doing here, Jack?"

"What, are you saying I can't check on my daughter?"

"OHEMGEE JACK YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER GOSH!" I shouted angrily.

"EXCUSE ME, BUT WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE YOU CALLED ME 'DAD'."

"WELL THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU'RE MY DAD." I shouted back. "I WAS LITTLE THEN."

I crossed my arms. "Now, what's the real reason to came here?"

He looked serious. "I've come to talk about something that happened in your past."

"My... past?" I started messing with my horns, something I always did when I was nervous.

"Remember when I told you that you weren't like other trolls, that you weren't born from a mother grub?"

"Yes. Are you saying that was a lie?"

"No. Not at all." He said. "You see, I... killed your mother and kidnapped you."

I didn't know what was going through my mind, but at that moment I unleashed all I had on him. I manipulated him to beat himself up. I bashed him against the walls with my psionic abilities. I communed with my lusus to brutally attack him. I was about to finish him off, when he poofed away.

I stared at all the blood splattered everywhere. I had never seen this color blood before. It was bright red, like candy. Was Jack some sort of mutant?

Then I looked over and noticed that he had torn up my Troll Justin Bieber poster!

"NOOOO! JUSTIN!" I sat down and wept for exactly 10 minutes and 25 seconds.

And then, questions arose. _Who was my mother? And why would Jack want to kidnap me? _


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Alright, Chapter 3! Once again, thanks for all the reviews! They really keep me going. And yes, the ending of Chapter 1 was indeed a subtle reference to My Immortal! Oh, Tara Gilesbie, what will we ever do with you? Anyways, as usual, enjoy!

**Chapter 3**

I logged on to Trollian, really needing someone to talk to. I could oh gosh I don't remember adding all these people. I recognized terminallyCapricious, that was Gamzee. Then I remembered he had talked about some of his friends. He must have told them about me and then they all added me. Yeah, that's definitely what happened. I randomly clicked on one of them. I didn't really care who I talked to, I just need to talk to _someone. _Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, my trolltag is divineGoddess and I don't use quirks because I'm such a special and unique snowflake.

divineGoddess [DG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

DG: Excuse me!

DG: I'm Rainbowlina Marrie Suusee!

DG: I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I really need someone to talk to!

DG: You're one of Gamzee's friends, right?

CG: UNFORTUNATELY.

DG: Woah!

DG: You're a bit loud!

CG: WELL SORRY, MISS PICKY PANTS, BUT I CAN'T PLEASE FUCKING EVERYBODY.

CG: THIS IS THE WAY I'M TYPING AND I'M NOT GOING TO CHANGE FOR ONE TROLL.

DG: But I only wear skirts and dresses!

CG: THAT'S NOT THE POINT, FUCKASS.

CG: NOW WHY THE HELL DID YOU BOTHER TROLLING ME?

DG: I need your help!

DG: I need to find out who my mother is!

CG: I THOUGHT TROLLS DIDN'T HAVE BIOLOGICAL PARENTS.

DG: Well... I guess I do?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK?

DG: Yeah, it confused me too.

CG: WELL, SWEEPS AGO, THE EMPRESS BEFORE OUR CURRENT ONE GAVE BIRTH.

DG: Trolls giving birth?

DG: ...Is that possible?

CG: OF COURSE IT ISN'T, RETARD.

CG: BUT NOBODY IN THIS CRAP GIVES A SHIT ABOUT CANON.

CG: OR THE FORTH WALL, FOR THAT MATTER.

CG: FUCK YOU, FORTH WALL.

DG: Okay, and then what happened?

CG: THE EMPRESS EXPLODED.

DG: Exploded?

CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK I SAID, FUCKASS?

DG: She just... exploded?

DG: For absolutely no reason?

CG: THAT'S WHAT THE HISTORY BOOKS SAY HAPPENED.

CG: AT LEAST, WHAT THEY THINK HAPPENED.

CG: ALL THEY KNOW IS THAT SHE DIED AND THE WIGGLER DISAPPEARED.

DG: What if... instead of explosions...

DG: The empress was murdered?

DG: And the wiggler, kidnapped?

CG: ...HOLY SHIT, THIS WOULD MAKE AN AWESOME PLOT FOR A MOVIE.

DG: Um... Okay?

CG: OH SHIT

CG: I GOTTA GO HANDLE MY LUSUS. THE PIECE OF SHIT JUST THREW THE LOAD GAPER THROUGH A WALL.

DG: Thanks for your help!

CG: WHATEVER.

divineGoddess [DG] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG].

Well, he wasn't very pleasant. Still, I felt I was one step closer to solving this mystery.


End file.
